I need connection, but I’m bad at staying in touch

I crave deep connection.

The kind where you can sit in silence and still feel seen.
The kind where messages don’t have to be constant, but the bond stays warm underneath.
The kind where you can send a “thinking of you” after three weeks of silence, and it doesn’t feel awkward.
The kind where I don’t have to perform.

But here’s the truth: I’m really bad at staying in touch.

I forget to reply.
I draft messages in my head and never send them.
I open a text and freeze.
I put off calling because the idea of small talk makes my chest tight.
And sometimes, the guilt of “not showing up enough” makes me disappear even more.

It’s not because I don’t care.
It’s because caring feels heavy in a tired body and a noisy brain.
Because my executive function collapses under the weight of emotional labor.
Because I overthink every word, every delay, every pause in the conversation.
Because I’m scared of being “too much” and “not enough” — at the same time.

But I still want connection.

I want soft friendships, low-pressure check-ins, spaces where silence isn’t taken personally.
I want people who understand that my absence isn’t distance — it’s dysfunction, distraction, dysregulation.
And that when I come back, it’s because I trust them enough to return.

So if you’re like me — if you long for closeness but vanish into your brain for days or weeks at a time —
you’re not broken.

You’re just wired differently.
And you’re allowed to need space and love at the same time.
You’re allowed to be inconsistent and still be deeply caring.

Some of us love quietly.
Some of us return slowly.
Some of us don’t show up often — but when we do, it’s real.